Getting Kids to Listen Without the Power Struggles

When parents consult with me regarding their children’s defiance, they usually bring up that they need to use Conditional Threat Statements such as “if don’t go shower now, you won’t get any screen time today” to get children to comply. However, this strategy is a form of punishment that can be initially effective, but with time often creates power struggles and loses effectiveness over time unless it is constantly escalated.

On the other hand, the use of the Premack Principle is generally more effective for promoting healthy, cooperative behavior in children. When this strategy is used the parent chooses something the child likes to do to reinforce a low-probability behavior (something they don’t want to do). It focuses on encouraging desired behavior rather than punishing undesired behavior. In the example provided this would look like “You can play your game after you shower.” This strategy is more effective over time since it builds intrinsic motivation, the child does something because they genuinely want to, not because they’re being rewarded or threatened. In the long run, it builds cooperative relationships with parents.

If you find yourself using Conditional Threat Statements that no longer work and create stress in your relationship with your child and power struggles, consider shifting the language and strategy to build a routine where desired behaviors naturally lead to enjoyable ones. Kids are more likely to comply when they feel respected and involved in the process.